You can't get this stuff anywhere else.

It only happens once a year. The Mecca for Misfits. The Haaj for Hobbit fans. The Fanboy Bataan Death March where you’ll find superheroes, wizards, fairies, adult film stars, and LOADS of bad hairstyles (both intentional and otherwise) in the same room: The Annual Comic-Con International in San Diego, otherwise known as my favorite annual summer roadtrip.
The San Diego Convention Center is bigger than a football field, crammed wall-to-wall with comics, comic-related products, toys, video games, scantily clad women (hired to draw the attention of the...), costume-wearing weirdos, costume-wearing cool people, hyperactive kids and adults, A-list (and more frequently C-list) movie and TV stars, and fun. FUN FUN FUN!

I can’t describe how much I love this event. As I pushed my way through the crowd into the Convention Center, the tang of cigarette smoke and B.O. thick in the air, there was only one thing on everyone’s mind: Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith. The title was unveiled at Comic-Con, and if you didn’t have the Official Revealing of the Name T-Shirt, you just weren’t cool (so I wasn’t). LucasFilm shelled out some big bucks this year for a heavy presence right by the main entrance. There were toys, a pubescent Jake Lloyd (young Anakin from Episode I), fans in costume hoping to be mistaken for extras, and a full size X-Wing fighter. Also, they’d hired some local bodybuilders to promote the DVD/theatrical re-release of THX1138. They were handing out temporary tattoos and postcards. Their interior monologues probably went something like: “I’m making minimum wage for shaving my head and handing out postcards to people whose ass I would have kicked in high school).” Star Wars still holds a dear place in my heart, but past a certain age, you notice the marketing more than the magic, and it all loses something. Plus, Lando has really let himself go...

Missing it all...

Comic-Con was all about me not seeing what I had come to see. Among my biggest disappointments/pleasant surprises:

1.Kaiju Big Battel. To sum it up, it’s people in giant Japanese Movie Monster Suits mixed with Pro Wrestling. Some of the luminaries include: Silver Potato, Kung Fu Chicken Noodle, Dr. Cube, Los Platanos, Dusto Bunny, and Sky Deviler. It seems like it would be truly amazing live. I was psyched. I started my day searching the whole pavilion for them. Never saw them. I missed it. And I was so looking forward to meeting Referee Jingi. However, I have learned they will be in LA soon. SOON!

2. The chance to NOT meet some of my favorite artists and authors. Neil Gaiman was there as well, promoting a few things, chiefly the forthcoming film “Mirrormask”, which I can’t wait to see. He announced that there will be a movie for Death: The High Cost of Living, and he may or may not have signed autographs. I’ll never know because I missed him. James Kochalka, creator of the award winning “Monkey vs. Robot” was there. Missed him. China Mieville, who lives in corking old London, was there promoting the latest tale of New Crobuzon, Iron Council. And of course, I missed him. And I was REALLY looking forward to meeting him, because he is the best thing going in SF today (mainly because of the way he can’t be classified as SF, or any genre in particular). And I get along well with Brits. Val Kilmer was there. Missed him. I have learned that there is a stage musical of the Ten Commandments (?!?!) starting at the Kodak Theater next month, with Val Kilmer as Moses. Celebrate or groan as you feel appropriate. Did I mention I saw fat Lando? I did. Okay. I missed EVERYTHING. Garh.

On a positive note, I met Ken Knudtsen, author of the highly entertaining “My Monkey’s Name is Jennifer”. I bought a print and even got a sketch from him, which proudly proclaims “All Monkeys Love Vodka! – Jennifer the Monkey”. Jennifer is posed below, saying “Hiss”. I think this may all have been inspired by the fact that there was a bottle of “liquid inspiration” in a brown bag at the booth. Ken is cool.

3. Resisting the urge to buy an overpriced Quentin Tarantino Kill Bill Action Figure. These were supposed to be sold at a nominal price at the NECA toys booth. They sold out in less than an hour on Thursday. The way the “exclusive items” were handled this year at many booths was just plain dumb. They’d have a lottery drawing. You’d line up, get your ticket, and then come back at noon to see if you’d won the chance to purchase a convention exclusive figure. Most of the private vendors at the toy booths had managed to buy these exclusives so they could turn around on Sunday and jack up the prices to $40-$60 per item. I didn’t like it. Just make enough for everybody next time! Yes. I’m a grown man complaining that he couldn’t buy a toy. Go away.

What I learned at Comic-Con (or, comic readers are diverse and/or horny)

I was pleasantly surprised by the diversity on the floor this year. There was a strong presence of African-American and Asian artists, a lot of things happening on the urban vibe, a TON of Hong Kong street inspired art and comics (which I love... guns, kanji, a motorcycle or two, and more guns. And girls on bikes, or girls wearing big boots, or girls with animal ears, which I’m not too crazy about) and even Prism Comics, which feature gay superheroes.

They had some great items for sale (a coffee mug that simply said “Homo SUPERIOR”), and lots of fun buttons that were basically gay pickup lines for superheroes. As I forgot a notebook, I’ll let you fill in the rest with your imagination. But click here for a fun article from Prism...

Adult Comics

Apparently, there is some kind of boom in the pornographic-comic field. eadultcomics.com had a small booth where three or four porn actresses sat and flirted and took pictures. And there were MANY pictures taken. I suppose the strange part is that 90% of the pictures I saw taken were people depositing their small children with said porn stars for photo ops. Start ‘em young, I always say. Jimmy can’t do math, but he can discern the visual aesthetic difference between Reverse Cowgirl and. Piledriver.
Let’s break for a moment here to discuss fanboy horniness. Do the companies really think we’re so shallow as to go to a booth strictly because there are purple-clad cheerleaders there? Or White Castle ladies in short-shorts? Or girls with glowmonkey on their butts? Apparently so. How bad was it? To promote the new Species III direct to video schlocker movie, they put a girl in a bikini in a glass box. Then they gave her three bottles of water, two tentacles, and some toys. Then they either A) pumped her full of valium so she wouldn’t flee screaming, or B) told her to look as disaffected and uninterested in the people around her and life in general as possible. As the all-wise and all-powerful Yogurt might say, “Moichandising! Moichandising! Moichandising!”

Video Games

I suppose the tie-in is natural. There were some truly great looking things, like a new X-Men game and a game for The Red Star, which is a great comic. And then there was the standing epileptic spaz fit that is known as eyeToy. Why anyone wanted to do this demo in front of large crowds is beyond me.

Basically, the camera is trained on you, so you see a grainy image of yourself on your TV. In front of you (on screen) are numerous and diverse games, such as: “Aliens are flying at you! Swat them with your hands!” Or, “Your Garden is Under Attack by Bugs! Swat them with your Hands!” Or... well, you get the idea. If you think of combining the challenge of Space Invaders with TaeBo as done by Richard Simmons, you won’t quite get the picture... but you’ll be close. To paraphrase Chuck Palahniuk, “Lame isn’t the right word. But it’s the first word that comes to mind...”

The People Yes, from the adorable “Littlest Superman and Wonder Woman” to the “I’m too busy for you so hurry up and take my picture” Xena lookalike, costumes were everywhere. There were good, there were bad, and there were the just plain weird.

It was difficult to stalk these people, as they were moving amidst herds of Con-goers. But I got a few. Like Mr. Super Pimp. Either he was a pimp super hero, or he had fallen asleep during the last erotic expo and woken up this Sunday, wandering his bleary-eyed way out.

Middle-Earth was well represented, as were some of the more obscure heroes, like Hawkwoman. There was the non-CG Incredible Hulk (otherwise known as Lou Ferrigno, the security guard from the CGI Hulk movie). I met Snoopy. And the Teddy Scare. And Cobra Commander. And She-Ra! Heaven, I tell you.
There were statues of heroes great and small, like Bone, Batman, Jack and Sally, and Alien vs. Predator. Yes, some fine artist worked for hours to sculpt an amazing statue of a fight scene from a horrible movie.

 

On the upper floor was the autograph room that time forgot. Here, actors from B-movies were relegated to far corners in tiny booths, where they charged between $10-$30 for autographed photos. Picture the largest convention center you can, and picture it empty. Now picture five small kiosks aaaalllllllllllllllllllll the way across the room, in the far corner, where few dare to tread. Picture five people over there. Three of them are “famous actors”. The other two are lost and asking for directions on how to get to the cool parts of the Con. You get the idea. I wanted to take a photo, but frankly, I was too embarrassed.

I would love to plan to stay the full four days at Comic-Con, as I missed so many things. There was a masquerade ball, where Dany of MinaMurray.com, pictured here, won a prize of some sort for having the best costume. And she’s an Extraordinary Gentleman.
	I think I could get my friends Adam and Les together to pull off a great Mage:The Hero Defined set. We’d win prizes. And if not, I’d get to carry a bat around, which could be fun in such a place.

Yes. Comic-Con. Put thousands of geeks together in a room, and they’ll show you a good time. Next year, I say more monkeys and less porn! After countless hours of walking, sore feet, and odd looks from people in odd costumes, it was time to make the long drive back to Los Angeles. I came away with a lot of free posters, tattoos, and comic samples, and the knowledge that the world is a safer place for all people to give wings to their ludicrous fantasies. Where you can say, yes, mother of four and HawkWoman lookalike, wave your tinfoil scepter proudly! Yes, overweight highschooler, even though your baldcap is coming off and your makeup is running, you do look vaguely like Hellboy. And no, genetically perfect models hired for the day, you're not any better than anyone here. In fact, you're the same. In fact, it's more likely that you're the one wearing a mask the other 51 weeks of the year, pretending to be something you're not. We geeks just take a day to pretend to be something impossible, something fun, something wild, something more than another face in the crowd.